Skicka in din historia eller fräckis som har med modellflyg att göra.
patrik@mfksnobben.se

Under en nattlig flygresa härförleden hade jag min plats bredvid en äldre dam, som envist stirrade ut genom fönstret på den blinkande vingspetslanternan. Slutligen ringde hon flygvärdinnan. "Förlåt att jag besvärar" sa hon, "men jag tycker faktiskt ni borde säga åt piloten att han har vänstra körriktningsvisaren på". -D.H.

På resebyrån hörde jag hur en tjänsteman försökte övertyga en nervös dam om att det inte var farligt att flyga. Först kom han just ingen vart med henne, men till sist hittade han ett argument som träffade prick : "Det förstår väl damen att det måste vara riskfritt, annars skulle vi inte annonsera "Flyg nu  - betala sen".

I vår stad finns ingen civil flygplats, varför även trafikflygplan måste begagna sig av det militära flygfältet. Häromdagen anlände ett civilt plan, som hade flera militärflygare ombord, och det studsade oroväckande på betongbanan vid landningen. En ung flyglöjtnant fräste till flyg1värdinnan som visade sig i dörröppningen: "Se för katten till att piloten för in alla tre landningarna i loggen." "Löjtnanten måste ha överseende med honom", kvittrade hon. "Han har helt nyligen övergått från flygvapnet, så han har mycket kvar att lära ännu".

Tidningen RCM&E har lite humor ibland.
Det är naturligtvis på engelska och skämt på engelska är kanske inte helt lätta att förstå ;-)
Det är främst 2 författare som jag gillar :

Brian Winch - Wizard of Oz (Oz = Australien). Brian har artiklar över flera sidor som behandlar något speciellt ämne där han tar upp många exempel både från modellflyget och den parallella världen. I slutet på artikeln så kommer det nästan alltid en Limerick.

Lord Bertram Barnstormer - Aero-Columnist of Rare Distinction - en äkta engelsk "Nobleman".
Bertie skriver dagbok sist i RCM&E. Bertie tillsammans med familj och tjänstefolk är den riktige flygaren som hatar allt som har med gl*d*rs, h*l*c*pt*r*st , el*ctr*cs , att göra. Det ska vara "real power" som väsnas och stinker. Ett nöje är att åka upp till hanget "and turn on the muck spreader" samt kasta okvädningsord till "segelflygs-zigernarna" med sina husvagnar.
I nummer august 2004 söker han en ledig post på BMFA och enligt slutraderna så får han anställning som Under-Deputy-Assistant General Operations Sub-Manager. Till sin hjälp har han "Young Miss Gussett".* Hans mål är att köpa upp RCM&E och sparka unge redaktör Graham Ashby.
"So sadly dear reader , from next month, one´s dethless prose will no longer raise the collective reading age of this sag rag. This hallowed page will no longer redound to one´s unflinching hectoring of all cogent words of sweet reason in a naughty world. Sturdy trad. Brit. power men all over the kingdom will weep into their malts when they read this bitter lines, but, lo, it has to be. Lord Barnstormer bids you adieu. Pip! Pip! Tally Ho!"   *gusset=förstärkning

I nummer november 2006 så har skriver Vizarden om kullager, mera specifikt om passning av kullager. Ett lager får inte sitta för hårt eller för löst. Speciellt frontlagret har lätt för att glappa om propeller och spinner inte är välbalanserade. Som vanligt har Mr Winch en massa trevliga foton (på flygplan som inte har något speciellt med texten att göra) i sin artikel som han avslutar med lite ordtrolleri och en limerick.

Executing a fine example of the Dance of the Cripple Crab, I'm out the door.

If you want it to stick while it spins
Without screws, bolts or pins
It will stick just like new
If you use gooey glue
And the rest of your day will be grins.

Major Stuk Tite. Longeron and spar
Order of the Empennage
Fifth Fuselages Regiment.

I nummer april 2006 så har man en artikel om vevaxellager med mera. Här diskuteras olika typer av lager och kullager som är öppna, slutna och halvslutna. Helt plötsligt så kommer ett inlägg med en limerick:

A modeller living in Gosham
Removed all his balls just to washem
His mother said: "Jack,
If you don´t put them back
I´ll jump on the buggers and squashem."

I juni-numret 2006 fick jag leta ett bra tag :
Wizard of Oz / Brian Winch, har ett stort inslag om motorer och vikten av bra kylning.
Avslutning :
OK that´s me off, executing the Dance of the Fluffing Fruit Bat.
While I twiddle my toes and flutter my tutu,
choke on the following until next time:

A buxom young lady from Dover
Took a licentious rove with a drover
They camped near a track
In the great Oz outback
Now her innocent days are well over.

Diddit Intent. Dip. Roving Hands. Dusty doings, fireside surprises.

Är det någon som kan se sambandet så berätta det för mig /PG

Wizard of Oz Augusti 2005 handlar om svetsning och lödning. Bly är förbjudet i allt som har med livsmedel att göra så nu är det silverlödning som gäller. Egentligen handlar artikeln mycket om ljuddämpare och speciellt avgas-ringar till flercylindriga motorer.

It can give you a fair sort of fright
When you know your bit is stuck tight
If you pee through a fence
You can bet quids to pence
That the paling gap isn´t quite right.

Wizard of Oz oct 2004 med rubriken "Flying down under" handlar om motormontage "upp-och-ner" samt sidomontage.

If adventure´s your latest ambition
To indulge in a different position
Don´t begin at the base
Just cut right to the chase
Make inverted your ultimate mission.

Horri Zontal. Dip. Horizontal Bending. The more Karma the more Sutra. Standing in a canoe by arrangement.

Mars 2003 - Lord of the ´o´-rings handlar om otäta förgasare.

If the pressure is too much to bear
And you really must pee - don´t dispair
Let it drop on the lawn
As you stifle a yavn
But don´t let it squirt, folks will stare!

Samaceeous J. Chuddwaddi. Dip. I.P. Alpine piddling, peeing inot the wind. Peeing on from a great height of order.

September 2004 - Going Cranky

GLOAK! Time dear reader, to ride off into the sunset whilst singing the following as a cadenza.

You indulged in a sensual craft
And, by chanse, you have broken your shaft
You´re upset with the kink
But you still really think
That the shaft will still work - dont be daft!

Rod Bent. dip. Penile Angles. `Ben-Dee-Tube´ by Mick Reeves Peeing around corners by arrangement.

September  2002 - Red Light Zone handlar om gängor - och att man inte ska skruva på sin motor i onödan.

If you are feeling a strong urge to strip
stay your hand whilst you ponder this tip.
Will the lady nearby
be forthright or quite shy,
when your fingers start funblingher zip?

October 2003 - Sure Start - idetta numret diskuteras elstarters.

When performing som strange, ancient rite
Dancing nude around a candle at night
It´s much faster game
Dancing close to the flame
When you realise your wick is alight.

December 2002 - Bank on Your Tank - om dåliga tankar med mera.

If you feel your rod´s a bit rough,
When it´s hanging around in the buff
Drag it through som blue metal,
Belt it hard with a nettle,
Then flash it around for a laugh.

October 2002 - Going Walkabout -

I started as young as could be
And found it real easy, be gee
But my mother said, "stop,
or your vision will flop!"
And now i need glasses to see.

July 2003 - drop in the ocean - om en 4-taktare som tappats i en damm och hittats år efteråt.

If you feel that your hot gas will leak
And some fume the entire room will reek
You should seal up the gape
With some strong sticking tape
And the gas will sneak out with a squeak.

June 2003 - Designs for life - om bränslefilter kylning med mera.

Of course there´s a limerick that´s true
To the great Aussie red, white and blue.
It is both coarse and crude
And exceedingly rude
About Hugh , Sue and Lou with a ´roo in
a queue at a quarter to two at a loo in the zoo.

April 2003 - All gas and carburettors - om att ställa in förgasare.

When six of your mates want to screw
And you are sure you don´t want them to
With screwdriver in hand
You can make them disband
By telling them to stand in the queue.

Helt utanför ämnet som ju är modellflyg så kommer här några inlägg från Helges "laugh of the day"

QUANTAS

 After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level .

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

25 REGLER FRÅN FLYGSKOLAN

Do you suppose your pilots learned the following in flying school? :)

 RULES OF THE AIR (from Australian Aviation magazine):

 1.      Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

 2.      If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

 3.      Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

 4.      It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

 5.      The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

 6.      The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

 7.      When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

 8.      A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

 9.      Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

 10.     You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

 11.     The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

 12.     Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

 13.     Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

 14.     Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

 15.     There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

 16.     You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

 17.     Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

 18.     If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

 19.     In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

 20.     Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

 21.     It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

 22.     Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

 23.     Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

 24.     The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

 25.     There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.

Piloten som just startat anropade trafikledaren:
"Jag tror att det ligger ett dött djur i änden av startbanan"
Trafikledaren svarar:
"Jag ska genast meddela Catering"